things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?