I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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