Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
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He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!