Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again