She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.