I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?