I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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