i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
