Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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