I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
