we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
