How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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