you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
