Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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