In America we eat man semen.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
