I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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