quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
