Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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