Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dicks are not precious.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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