Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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