Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
