I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
