I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
