I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
