Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
