I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Come see our sink grown plant.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
