and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
