you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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