So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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