god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
