he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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