obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
