the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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