Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
