He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
