I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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we're making bets on your personal life
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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