I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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