Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
