I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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