at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I AM VODKA MAN
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
