She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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