I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They took my balls.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
