She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
