I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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