Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
