do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
