I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
