hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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