My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
