he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
