I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
