Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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