dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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