i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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