thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
