3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
