let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
