I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize