i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
