True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
