One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
